I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
