mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
