i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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