when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
