Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
