Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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