I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
