I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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