why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
