I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
