Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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