my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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