I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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