i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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