WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
