i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
