Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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