I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
