she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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