I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
