I need to stop coming to work sober
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
