OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
