the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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