dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
