Im at strip club and am horny
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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