youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
