Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
