i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
