I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
