Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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