I wanna bring you to show and tell
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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