I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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