you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
