she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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