the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
nutella sex= disaster
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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