so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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