Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Be still, my beating vagina.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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