A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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