I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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