I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
So gin and wine won't be happening again
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Randomize
