Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
