So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
