I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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