You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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