I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
