Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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