I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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