I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
