I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
