did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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